prejudice

I really just do not have any clue what the future holds for me. Not a clue. No idea. I wish I had some semblance of an idea as to where God is directing my path, but I can not figure it out. It's not for a lack of trying to understand where he's leading me, but the definites are simply elusive to my perception. Quite simply, I don't think God desires that we see our future. We are to have faith today and a hope for tomorrow. All we are to do is be faithful- obedient to him now. The future will come in due time. Yet, in knowing this, I still desire to forge a future and see the way ahead of me. But when I work to determine my path I find that, more often than not, I encroach upon the will of God by setting my own priorities. I end up off track- frustrated, exhausted, and steeped in the mire of my sinfulness. I guess you could say that I find myself in the belly of a fish.

I've never really understood Jonah. As long as I have been able to understand what was contained in the account of his life, I have been angered by Jonah and the prejudice he embodied. He so despised the Ninevites that he would rather see them die and dwell in the pit of Hell than to see them repent and receive the grace of God. I used to read the tale of this bigot prophet and become maligned at his indifference toward his fellow man. Over time I have come to look at this Scripture with new eyes. Contemporary cinema has been a mighty tool to open my eyes. Films such as Hotel Rwanda, Schindler's List, Crash, and Paper Clips have all worked their way into my heart. It is possible to view such films as masterful storytelling trough a visual medium, then dismiss them as being an instrument of entertainment (no matter how heart-wrenching it is). However, as the Spirit of God continues to mold the stubborn heart and mind of this man into the tenacious tenderness of the Lord, a change occurs in perspective.

I didn't realize such a change was taking place until recently. All my life I have thought of myself as a man without prejudice. I view myself as a man who just loves no matter the race, financial bracket, faith background, etc... All along I may have been loving toward people, but there was just something else that wasn't quite right. I didn't understand until I was hit between the eyes with my own words during a counseling session with an inpatient recovery client. I used the language of 'me' and 'them.' I attempted to separate myself from these addicts. I did so in such a benign way that perhaps nobody would have noticed or even said a word, but God realized that there was a prejudice in my heart. Somehow I thought I was better because I am not addicted to crack or heroine or alcohol, or whatever. I thought I was better than 'those sinners.' Oh and I had pity on them. Watch me as I lovingly bring light into their ill lives. How disgusting the thought! Please understand that I certainly I would never have openly expressed such terrible thoughts. In honesty, I had never really realized these thoughts fully in my consciousness. I think we often don't even think what we truly have believed because the thoughts are so deeply seated within our hearts. Yet God saw these thoughts in my wicked, deceitful, little heart. I praise Him for showing to me my sin.

God has me in recovery. I am an addict. I wake up and can't wait to get my fix. I get high on my accomplishments. I desire my own good above all other priorities. I have sacrificed the feelings and needs of others to feed the desires of myself. I delight in the indulgence of my cravings after too much food, too many movies, too many possessions, and too few responsibilities. I am no different than the men in rehab. All of us are learning that we can not be in control of our own lives. We need God to direct us and give us the strength to live one day at a time. We are in need of a savior. Thank God that He is slow to anger and abounding in love. He has shown us grace and delivered us from our sins! I guess I say all of this to express the fact that I understand Jonah better now than ever before. Just the fact that I was angered by his story shows the wickedness of the bigotry in my heart. I still don't know what tomorrow has in store for me. I can't control it anyway. Neither can you. Stop trying. Live today and seek after the path of God. Love your neighbor as yourself. Love your neighbor as yourself. It just seems to continue to grow in meaning as I continue to love God.