can't the world stop for a moment?
Okay.
I don't know exactly where to start. The last few days have been an absolute whirlwind. I can hardly get my thoughts straight. My heart feels torn to pieces... more like shattered into shards. Yet, it feels more whole than it has been in so long. Sure, I'm not making any sense, but I think I'm permitted that once in a while.
The heart is so hard to protect. There are times when I think life would be easier if I held everyone at an arm's length and didn't let people inside of me. But as quickly as I say such a thing I find myself appalled at such a thought. I love people so much. I just love them. No doubt that this is borne of the love of God. I do love because He first loved me.
I feel so fragmented right now. Please understand that this is a bit of self-talk therapy for me right now.
I love my friends and it hurts so badly when they are facing trials like I can't imagine- and I'm not there for them. I can't be the shoulder. All I am is a voice through a phone from a few hundred miles away. All I am is a bunch of words floating into the Inbox once in a while. To all of my dear friends (you do know who you are) please know that I pray for you and think of you daily.
To a few of you- I have received your late night calls, Please know that I wish I could be right beside you as you walk through these deep valleys. Our Lord is with you and will be with you. I love you and my heart goes to you at this moment.
Yesterday I was sick all day. It started late in the night. I'll spare you the disgusting details, but I will tell you that I am thankful that the Lord sustained me and I was able to fulfill my obligations at the Addictions Academy. I struggle with being alone and desiring the love of a significant other. But I just don't think I quite ever feel as alone as I do when I'm sick and there's nobody to care for me. I guess that's part of being an adult, but I still think it sucks.
Last night we celebrated a call to recovery at the Academy. We all joined together in a worship gathering that moved me into an experience of God's Spirit like I haven't felt in a long time. The songs were uplifting and glorifying. The prayers were fervent. The message was biblical and relevant. It was awesome to see God move in such a way. I was so inspired as I looked around and saw people from such diverse backgrounds, ages, denominations, gender, etc... joining in the worship of our King. I really felt like I was catching a glimpse of the true kingdom of God. Amen!
I was feeling great this morning and ready to take on the world. Then I got a call. This call is simply devastating. A woman who is just so very dear to me and my family passed away during the night. She's not old. We don't know why. I guess His ways are not ours, but I want a reason why. Why God?
As I grew up my family was heavily involved in the local 4-H program. We had something that was unbelievably unique though. There is core group of families that got wonderfully close to each other. All of us kids were involved up to our eyes in projects and committees and activities and boards. All of the parents spent more time together than they probably spent with family. This core group has become my family. These ladies became mothers to me. These are more brothers and sisters. After all of us kids went our own ways, the parents worked to continue to meet! They all get together once a month for Friday fish fry. It's great.
Things just aren't going to be the same anymore without Cheryl Fry there. She had an amazing heart and a wonderful smile. I can't say that this has really set in yet... I still have a lot of thinking to do. I just don't understand.
Cheryl will be missed. Deeply.
My thoughts are a blur. I feel batted around. I feel like a rag doll tossed about in the canine's mouth. How can I go from such heights of praise to such depths of sorrow in such a brief span of time? Are we really made to be able to handle this?
Why can't I be home with those I love... those who need my love? Why can't I be home with those who love me and know me? Oh God. I can't do a thing without you. Take these thoughts. Make your sense of them and do what you will.
I don't know exactly where to start. The last few days have been an absolute whirlwind. I can hardly get my thoughts straight. My heart feels torn to pieces... more like shattered into shards. Yet, it feels more whole than it has been in so long. Sure, I'm not making any sense, but I think I'm permitted that once in a while.
The heart is so hard to protect. There are times when I think life would be easier if I held everyone at an arm's length and didn't let people inside of me. But as quickly as I say such a thing I find myself appalled at such a thought. I love people so much. I just love them. No doubt that this is borne of the love of God. I do love because He first loved me.
I feel so fragmented right now. Please understand that this is a bit of self-talk therapy for me right now.
I love my friends and it hurts so badly when they are facing trials like I can't imagine- and I'm not there for them. I can't be the shoulder. All I am is a voice through a phone from a few hundred miles away. All I am is a bunch of words floating into the Inbox once in a while. To all of my dear friends (you do know who you are) please know that I pray for you and think of you daily.
To a few of you- I have received your late night calls, Please know that I wish I could be right beside you as you walk through these deep valleys. Our Lord is with you and will be with you. I love you and my heart goes to you at this moment.
Yesterday I was sick all day. It started late in the night. I'll spare you the disgusting details, but I will tell you that I am thankful that the Lord sustained me and I was able to fulfill my obligations at the Addictions Academy. I struggle with being alone and desiring the love of a significant other. But I just don't think I quite ever feel as alone as I do when I'm sick and there's nobody to care for me. I guess that's part of being an adult, but I still think it sucks.
Last night we celebrated a call to recovery at the Academy. We all joined together in a worship gathering that moved me into an experience of God's Spirit like I haven't felt in a long time. The songs were uplifting and glorifying. The prayers were fervent. The message was biblical and relevant. It was awesome to see God move in such a way. I was so inspired as I looked around and saw people from such diverse backgrounds, ages, denominations, gender, etc... joining in the worship of our King. I really felt like I was catching a glimpse of the true kingdom of God. Amen!
I was feeling great this morning and ready to take on the world. Then I got a call. This call is simply devastating. A woman who is just so very dear to me and my family passed away during the night. She's not old. We don't know why. I guess His ways are not ours, but I want a reason why. Why God?
As I grew up my family was heavily involved in the local 4-H program. We had something that was unbelievably unique though. There is core group of families that got wonderfully close to each other. All of us kids were involved up to our eyes in projects and committees and activities and boards. All of the parents spent more time together than they probably spent with family. This core group has become my family. These ladies became mothers to me. These are more brothers and sisters. After all of us kids went our own ways, the parents worked to continue to meet! They all get together once a month for Friday fish fry. It's great.
Things just aren't going to be the same anymore without Cheryl Fry there. She had an amazing heart and a wonderful smile. I can't say that this has really set in yet... I still have a lot of thinking to do. I just don't understand.
Cheryl will be missed. Deeply.
My thoughts are a blur. I feel batted around. I feel like a rag doll tossed about in the canine's mouth. How can I go from such heights of praise to such depths of sorrow in such a brief span of time? Are we really made to be able to handle this?
Why can't I be home with those I love... those who need my love? Why can't I be home with those who love me and know me? Oh God. I can't do a thing without you. Take these thoughts. Make your sense of them and do what you will.
posted by Gregg @ 6:21 PM
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