still crazy, I guess...
I really don't know why I posted that last entry on my blog. I view it as kind of a cry out into the wild cyber yonder.
Please bear with me as I wrestle through some of these matters via blog entry. This is a little self-therapy session for Gregg.
My emotions have been a yo-yo as I bounce between utter contentment with just me and God and absolute loneliness even if in His presence. To some measure I think I'm personally starting to come to terms with who I even am at this time. I've realized that I'm a different guy than I was in high school or in college or in one church or in another church or at this workplace or at that workplace...
What I've been realizing is that I can't remember a time when I've had the feeling of being me. There weren't many times where I have felt at ease in my own skin. There are times and moments, but they have been fleeting. There have been times when I've felt more "me" than other times, but there hasn't always been a wholeness of being.
Really, since I've been here in St. Louis I have to come to know myself better than I have before. For a time I had slipped into attitudes and behaviors that I lived with before I was even a Christian. I found myself shocked at... myself. It was then that I realized that the old man that has lived within me continues to rear his head to cause me great pains in life. Sometimes I feel as if I have been clothed in Christ, but not entirely changed by him.
I am at this time speaking in terms of what I've been feeling. In this case I can see a definite exaggeration of the truth as I know that I truly have been changed by Christ in many ways. I also know that every step of the way I have been becoming different and more than I was before. This is simply the work of God in me. I know all of these things, but I would be remiss if I didn't admit to my feelings.
Now, I am experiencing a transformation like none I've experienced before. I am in leadership of a ministry like I've only dreamed of previously. We talk about and experience the power of God to heal us physically, emotionally, and in all other ways. We openly confess our faults and seek to support one another in the face of opportunities others might use for judgment or condemnation. This is a messy ministry- just like me.
I have come to realize that I will probably never be a graduate of a world-renowned seminary and that I am not the same guy who once thought he needed that to be my most effective in ministering to God's people. Now I understand that I don't have to put on the "pastor smile" and use the "pastor voice" and whatever else I used to do because I thought I needed to in order to be a "good" pastor. (Okay, I'll stop using the quotations so liberally- sorry.) Most of my time, for the first time in my life as a believer, is spent with people who don't know God. Since I've been here, I've heard and learned things that I couldn't really fathom before... some good, but mostly bad. But these are the stark realities of life.
I say all of this to state that I am now coming to realize the sort of man God has been making me to be. It's exciting for me, but is often also very trying. I have been stretched beyond what I thought I could handle... it seems as if I will continue to be stretched as long as God is in control of my life.
As I learn more about who God has made me, I am finding that I also have to re-examine what I thought I wanted (needed) in a wife. For so long I have been concerned with making sure that this woman was called to be a pastor's wife. I've had this full set of expectations, standards, and rules that seemed to match exactly what the books for Christian singles told me I should have. Now, I am realizing that God has something else in mind. There are obviously aspects that remain unchanging in this all, but I am finding that it is time for me to set my mind, soul, and heart free from the burden of trying to connect all of these cosmic dots in my life.
I'm sure that this may seem like the ranting of a madman, but I assure you that I am writing this with sound mind. It's odd really, that in God's process of refining me He saw fit to make my edges rougher…
Please bear with me as I wrestle through some of these matters via blog entry. This is a little self-therapy session for Gregg.
My emotions have been a yo-yo as I bounce between utter contentment with just me and God and absolute loneliness even if in His presence. To some measure I think I'm personally starting to come to terms with who I even am at this time. I've realized that I'm a different guy than I was in high school or in college or in one church or in another church or at this workplace or at that workplace...
What I've been realizing is that I can't remember a time when I've had the feeling of being me. There weren't many times where I have felt at ease in my own skin. There are times and moments, but they have been fleeting. There have been times when I've felt more "me" than other times, but there hasn't always been a wholeness of being.
Really, since I've been here in St. Louis I have to come to know myself better than I have before. For a time I had slipped into attitudes and behaviors that I lived with before I was even a Christian. I found myself shocked at... myself. It was then that I realized that the old man that has lived within me continues to rear his head to cause me great pains in life. Sometimes I feel as if I have been clothed in Christ, but not entirely changed by him.
I am at this time speaking in terms of what I've been feeling. In this case I can see a definite exaggeration of the truth as I know that I truly have been changed by Christ in many ways. I also know that every step of the way I have been becoming different and more than I was before. This is simply the work of God in me. I know all of these things, but I would be remiss if I didn't admit to my feelings.
Now, I am experiencing a transformation like none I've experienced before. I am in leadership of a ministry like I've only dreamed of previously. We talk about and experience the power of God to heal us physically, emotionally, and in all other ways. We openly confess our faults and seek to support one another in the face of opportunities others might use for judgment or condemnation. This is a messy ministry- just like me.
I have come to realize that I will probably never be a graduate of a world-renowned seminary and that I am not the same guy who once thought he needed that to be my most effective in ministering to God's people. Now I understand that I don't have to put on the "pastor smile" and use the "pastor voice" and whatever else I used to do because I thought I needed to in order to be a "good" pastor. (Okay, I'll stop using the quotations so liberally- sorry.) Most of my time, for the first time in my life as a believer, is spent with people who don't know God. Since I've been here, I've heard and learned things that I couldn't really fathom before... some good, but mostly bad. But these are the stark realities of life.
I say all of this to state that I am now coming to realize the sort of man God has been making me to be. It's exciting for me, but is often also very trying. I have been stretched beyond what I thought I could handle... it seems as if I will continue to be stretched as long as God is in control of my life.
As I learn more about who God has made me, I am finding that I also have to re-examine what I thought I wanted (needed) in a wife. For so long I have been concerned with making sure that this woman was called to be a pastor's wife. I've had this full set of expectations, standards, and rules that seemed to match exactly what the books for Christian singles told me I should have. Now, I am realizing that God has something else in mind. There are obviously aspects that remain unchanging in this all, but I am finding that it is time for me to set my mind, soul, and heart free from the burden of trying to connect all of these cosmic dots in my life.
Quite simply, I'm learning how to better "Let Go and Let God."
I'm sure that this may seem like the ranting of a madman, but I assure you that I am writing this with sound mind. It's odd really, that in God's process of refining me He saw fit to make my edges rougher…
posted by Gregg @ 8:52 PM
2 Comments:
At 12/9/06 5:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hi Gregg, this is Holly Jerrett from UWGB! I found your blog through a link on an online friend's xanga site (Melissa/Kayakgirl). What a crazy small world this internet thing is! :-)
At 5/10/06 5:41 PM,
Kim in Training said…
Gregg, I'm so glad you are realizing that a woman who marries you doesn't have to be "Mrs. Pastor". As a former PK, I cannot tell you the pressure put on families to behave in certain ways and do certain things that are not the way God designed us but make church people more comfortable. My mom (a loner) was expected to be in the Missionary Aid Society, the Quilting Society and whatever other women's group gathered. She was supposed to play the piano and be a gracious entertainer and perfect homemaker.
My current pastor doesn't allow us to place those expectations on his wife. She is not at women's functions, she is not in charge of all the women's committees, and she is allowed to see where God has gifted her and use those gifts as he has called her to do. It's a beautiful thing and allows the rest of us the freedom to do the same.
I beg of you to spend time with pastors who allow their families to follow God's promptings before you seriously think of marriage to anyone. You will be happier, and your family will be truly blessed by not living a lie.
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