here's the deal
Sooooo.... I've been away from the blogosphere for a little while now. To be quite honest it's because my life has been in a slump lately. There's no way to beat around the bush about this. For the last few months- more than a couple, less than a handful- my whole mindset has been in that dark grey haze called "a funk."
It's interesting as I look back at the past months and see clearly why I was muddling through day-to-day life. As we know, hindsight is 20/20... or at least closer to 20/20 than when we're actually living life. I'm convinced that my hindsight is still tainted by some form of astigmatism or a cataract... I dunno. I just know that I still can't figure out all of the details of my life's situations as I look back on them. But the past few months seem pretty clear in why I haven't been "myself."
Why?
Simply because I was trying to be not-"myself." I didn't feel like me because I wasn't being me. As I have stepped into the lead role in pastoring this young church I found myself amidst a cornucopia of vibrantly glaring issues... that is, from my perspective. Some of the issues have come to natural resolutions, some of them have been resolved through supernatural means, but others required particular attention to details... a determined attentiveness to administrative concerns... a clerical intuitiveness. The issue is that I possess none of the aforementioned qualities. I am more clerically minded than some, but I am surely not gifted administratively. I think that structures and systems often stifle and hinder the progress of organizations... that is, when there is too much emphasis placed upon them. I also believe that a lack of structure will inevitably lead to an organization's downfall. There must be balance! After all, a grapevine is a delight, but it does not reach its potential without a lattice to climb.
So... about not being me... I have now come to the understanding that God may gift me with the ability to see areas of needed improvement in the church, but that he has also blessed me with opportunities of delegating responsibilities. I feel into the trap of perceiving a problem and then convincing myself that I was the only person who could make the necessary corrections. This mindset bears with it the certainty of depression and identity-crises. Oh, for shame, Gregg!
Not only does this savior mentality injure my personal health, but it is a form of pride that subversively eats away at my relationship with God through the deceptive spirit of "good intention." Not to mention the effects such a behavior has on the body of believers as a whole. If a select few try to do all of the ministry and solve all of the problems, there is a multitude that is left out in the cold, hindered from taking opportunities to use their gifts and talents, and robbed of the blessings God has in-store for them as they honor Him through their actions. Again, for shame.
I know that this post is quite a lot of rambling nonsense, but I simply needed to put these thoughts into words... however incoherent they may be. Thank you (both of you who still check in on my blog) for bearing with me. Hopefully there will be more intelligible posts in the near future as I return to being more "me."
It's interesting as I look back at the past months and see clearly why I was muddling through day-to-day life. As we know, hindsight is 20/20... or at least closer to 20/20 than when we're actually living life. I'm convinced that my hindsight is still tainted by some form of astigmatism or a cataract... I dunno. I just know that I still can't figure out all of the details of my life's situations as I look back on them. But the past few months seem pretty clear in why I haven't been "myself."
Why?
Simply because I was trying to be not-"myself." I didn't feel like me because I wasn't being me. As I have stepped into the lead role in pastoring this young church I found myself amidst a cornucopia of vibrantly glaring issues... that is, from my perspective. Some of the issues have come to natural resolutions, some of them have been resolved through supernatural means, but others required particular attention to details... a determined attentiveness to administrative concerns... a clerical intuitiveness. The issue is that I possess none of the aforementioned qualities. I am more clerically minded than some, but I am surely not gifted administratively. I think that structures and systems often stifle and hinder the progress of organizations... that is, when there is too much emphasis placed upon them. I also believe that a lack of structure will inevitably lead to an organization's downfall. There must be balance! After all, a grapevine is a delight, but it does not reach its potential without a lattice to climb.
So... about not being me... I have now come to the understanding that God may gift me with the ability to see areas of needed improvement in the church, but that he has also blessed me with opportunities of delegating responsibilities. I feel into the trap of perceiving a problem and then convincing myself that I was the only person who could make the necessary corrections. This mindset bears with it the certainty of depression and identity-crises. Oh, for shame, Gregg!
Not only does this savior mentality injure my personal health, but it is a form of pride that subversively eats away at my relationship with God through the deceptive spirit of "good intention." Not to mention the effects such a behavior has on the body of believers as a whole. If a select few try to do all of the ministry and solve all of the problems, there is a multitude that is left out in the cold, hindered from taking opportunities to use their gifts and talents, and robbed of the blessings God has in-store for them as they honor Him through their actions. Again, for shame.
I know that this post is quite a lot of rambling nonsense, but I simply needed to put these thoughts into words... however incoherent they may be. Thank you (both of you who still check in on my blog) for bearing with me. Hopefully there will be more intelligible posts in the near future as I return to being more "me."
posted by Gregg @ 12:52 PM
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