my skin

I can't say enough about how God is working in my life while I'm here in Missouri. It's hard to say for sure if it is the product of the internship I'm engaged in or if it's simply my pursuit of God, but either way God is cultivating the soil of my soul.

There are a lot of things that are developing as a part of my outward ministry, but the most significant changes in me are internal. I've written about how God is showing me how to love again and how to get my hands dirty in ministry while keeping Him first in life. What I've been realizing lately is that I am coming to grips with who I am in a positive light. This may not sound significant, but for my life this is massive.

I think back to the life I've lived over the last number of years and find so much displeasure in how I lived. Though many people didn't likely see it in me, I was battling depression to varying degrees throughout my life in the Fox Valley. My identity was wrapped up in my job, my knowledge, my church, or my relationships. When I'm severely honest with myself I believe that this has been going on for years... reaching back into college and my days in Green Bay.

My insecurities have gripped me for so long. There is always something about myself that I can pick apart and be self-conscious of. Status, finances, housing, depth of relationships, appearance, etc... the list is miles long as to things that I have turned to in order to taint my delight in anything that might be positive in my life. Born of these insecurities I became someone I wasn't. This other man resembled me and had many similar traits. It's just that I look back and see a life lived by an imposter- a caricature of who I really am. I would have conversations with friends- friends that I authentically know and love and trust- and I would dance and prance around like a vaudeville entertainer. Smile, crack a joke, then bow out with flair. So often I would find myself alone at the end of the day regretting actions and dialog, not out of an overt sinfulness, but out of shame in the farce I portrayed.

I must be clear in saying that I have long viewed my life as an open book. Regardless of the masquerade I have put on, I have always been honest with those who have loved me enough to ask me the tough questions of life. I was able to be sincere, I just regret keeping people at arms length. I'm so sorry to my friends whom I have loved so deeply. I have not known how to let you in to my life and heart appropriately. I didn't trust you to know what to do with me. Somehow I thought my faith and my life would just be easier if I gave the illusion of community, but walked the path alone in secret. Please forgive me.

This journey has been developing for so long now. I am becoming comfortable in my own skin and seeing Christ in me. He is very good to see. By no means have I moved beyond my insecurities nor am I relationally perfect, but I'm working at it with God's Spirit and the community of faithful followers. When I can lay myself out, for better or for worse, and be genuine... it seems as though I have taken another step toward home.