impression

The last couple of weeks have been overflowing with mixed blessing. My mind has been racing incessantly morning, noon, and night. Do you ever find yourself dreaming of what you were thinking about as you went to bed? It's as if the sleep never even occurred. As my mind has run me ragged, so have my emotions. A dear friend of mine wrote to me a not of encouragement because she aptly noticed my journey of self-discovery unfolding through my blog entries. (Thank Kim.)

My mind can be a scary place to go sometimes. It can be like that bad part of the city where you know you shouldn't go after dark... and certainly not alone! Not that I'm some sort of superfreak, but the fact is that I have long pushed pains of the past into the deep recesses of my mind and heart hoping I wouldn't have to deal with them and could just move on with my life. I know that I'm not the only one who does this. But the fact is that as I teach recovery principles to men and women involved in my church I must be engaged in active pursuit of healthy living myself. This all comes back to practicing what one preaches, right?

Addiction, dysfunctional behaviors, unhealthy relationships and perspectives, or compulsions usually all are rooted in unresolved relationships or conflicts one's personal history. The most significant relational malady is when we have an stunted or non-existent relationship with our heavenly Father. I teach this perspective, but I didn't want to face the fact that I too have a deeper illness in my life. The obvious issues I have dealt with are easy for me to confront- they're out there for everyone to see, but to face the fact that I intentionally hurt myself out of a skewed perspective of self-preservation was a tough thing to admit. Let me explain this further...

Some people feel out of control in their life or relationships and thus develop obsessive/compulsive tendencies through which they believe they control the most minute detail of all things. Others sense this altered balance and harm themselves physically through cutting or the like. For me, I took the path of inflicting injury upon myself emotionally.

I'm shaking as I write this...

I have long battled with poor self-image. In honesty, I can't recall my self-esteem ever being very high. To those who know me well, these comments may confuse you as you likely know me to be rather outgoing and without fear in public interaction. Public speaking has never really been a major issue for me... once I get past the initial nervousness I'm off to the races and could speak all day long, if permitted the opportunity. (Let's be honest- anyone can act if they feel they need to for security.) But when the day comes to a close and I find myself alone in my bed anxiety sweeps over me. Fears of insignificance and irrelevance bombard me. I have often convinced myself that I don't have any actual friends- only people who care enough to patronize me. Only God knows how a person develops such a mindset. Only He knows how the mind of a man can cling to a comment made in passing that would alter the path for years to come. I don't know why I give more credence to negative comments about me, but I do. In the dark alley of my mind I am too fat, too bald, too much of a know-it-all, too ill-equipped in providing care for people, too unattractive, too poor of a communicator, too self-centered, too slow, too relationally inept, too mediocre, and... too lost to find any way out. Though many around me will tell me the contrary of these things it often seems easier to believe that they are lying to me rather than having to confront these thoughts. But recently I have had to do just that.

My self-image has long made itself apparent through my humor. If you spend any amount of time around me you will likely hear me make a series of jokes at my own expense. Some people make good money doing this sort of thing, but that's not my gig. I am the my most popular target for roasting. Who better to make fun of than the person you know the best? Life as a clown or a caricature of myself was better than letting people know me and hurt me. The deepest pain is inflicted by those that are closest to you. I have always held the belief that I could get through life with greater ease if I just make fun of my flaws before anyone else can. To me it makes sense. This really makes sense to me as I look to protect myself from the opinions of others. If I can make the joke first, then I won't be hurt when someone else does as well. I am only now coming to realize in my own life how destructive this thinking is.

I will not share the details of the events that brought this matter to the forefront of my life, but I will admit that it involves my relational inadequacies. (Too much to explain... I'll just keep going.) The bare bones story is that God sucker-punched me with a heavy does of his love and truth. I felt the truth initially a lot more than the love. He showed me that I was engaging in the principles of self-fulfilling prophecy. If you say something long enough, you'll believe it to be true and work (even if subconsciously) to make it so. Through my years of making myself the butt of my jokes I thought I was protecting myself from the world. The truth is that I have been torturing myself through significant mental and emotional abuse. Through this my body has undoubtedly taking its share of abuse as well- for we know that the emotions can wreak havoc on even our physical well-being.

My savior confronted me with the simple truth found in the "second greatest commandment." He has instructed us all to "love your brother as yourself. In understanding a healthy love for "self" we must know that this is not speaking of pride or arrogance, nor is Christ speaking of a love of the sinful self that desires idolatrous love of the world. Rather God speaks of a love of self that understands that the Creator's image indelibly marks us; He has left the impression of Jesus Christ on the heart and mind of those who believe. God speaks of a love of self in light of the primary love of Him. If I love God and God's Spirit makes of me a sanctuary and dwelling place, then to despise myself is to despise the Spirit and the very image of the Lord. What a grave revelation!

I would never dream of abusing someone else with the verbal tirades I have hurled upon myself. I don't think I have never looked at another human being with the sort of malice and disgust that I have reserved for the image in my mirror. So, why do I reserve such a spiteful attitude for myself? Because I have the tendency to think I deserve it- that I am not worth any more than that. Do you understand what I'm saying? I know that I'm not the only person who confronts these demons.

With all of this said, I have repented of my sin before my Maker and have started taking action against a potential "relapse." For over a week now I have made no harmful jokes at my own expense and have seen that similar jokes from outsides have also decreased in frequency. I have committed to my mind verses that speak of how God esteems his beloved- we are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made. In this times have also seen myself starting to grow in genuine, internal confidence which has set me even more at ease in dealing with others. I can't even begin to say that this battle is over, but I can say that I at least know what I'm fighting now. God is my strength and He is my shield. It is his delight to protect me through dangers, toils, and snares- even if that means protecting me from me.

Please understand that I did not write this seeking anything from anybody. Christ has compelled me to share in honesty with the hope that someone else may be able to receive the grace of the Father through reading about my trial. My hope is that you will speak with someone you trust if you are wrestling with similar issues. I have started to surround myself with a strong support team to help me through my journey. As I said, sometimes the mind is a place laden with dangers of many kinds, but we must delve into the suppressed darkness in order to receive the healing that comes when we drag shadows into the light. Often our secrets keep us sick. In doing so, we should never go there alone. With Jesus and the support of friends and family I am confronting my blatantly sinful self-perception. My prayer is that others will be able to as well.

Blessings to you!