faithquakes and faulty scales

God will shake us until there is only the unshakable. This seems to be the predominant theme in my life at this time. As my recent posts may reveal, I am up and down and then up once again. Again I say that none of this is "bad" per se, just trying. The troubling aspect of this matter is that it feels as if some of my principle understandings are being called into question. Some of the matters that I thought were generally accepted are being confronted... generally because they are generally accepted. Are you following me?

Take for instance church governance and structure... Does God desire us to have a virtual onion peel of committees and boards that make decisions and hand down proclamations that are all well and good, but never see fulfillment? Is it possible that we struggle seeing actual ministry occur because we are in the process of waiting for board approval that is a month away because a need arose at an inopportune time? Isn't it possible that we have taxed our willing and faithful workers by loading them up with the burden of sitting in so many meetings that they haven't the time to enact the principles taught in the Word? Please hear me when I say that I don't think we need to scrap our boards... However, perhaps we need to prayerfully consider their need, purpose, and effectiveness. Consider the possibility that God might lead us into ministry opportunities that then need organization as opposed to determining what God's will should be within the confines of our established structures.

Many of these questions confront perspectives I have long held. I must consider these possibilities as I exalt the word of God to its proper authority and place in life. As I look at the churches today I do not see the Church of the Bible. Throughout my life of faith thus far I have sought to see how God might use me to work within the current standards of church and governance in order to redirect it toward what is amply displayed throughout the whole of the Bible. I am coming to question whether or not it is possible to do that or if it may be necessary to step outside of the accepted church in order to develop God's Church. I know that this may sound scandalous... maybe not. Regardless, I think we MUST ask these questions. We must hold our churches in comparison to the Scriptures and ask honestly what makes ours different than theirs. I say this with absolute assurance that the issues dwell more in the realm of the Spirit and presence of God than in matters of culture.

My life is being shaken. I am looking directly into the mirror that God has held before me and realizing the great lengths I go to in order to "keep all of my ducks in a row" in hopes that I will be able to perform ministry to such a fine degree that nobody will consider the fact that I actually struggle in my faith. I taught on Denial tonight at Bridgeway. Throughout my conversation with the few men that attended I found myself bombarded with the realization that I need to grasp hold of the Word and step out of the state of denial I've been living in. Denial about what? About my anxieties and fears and insecurities that:

Disables my feelings
Energy lost
Negates my spiritual and personal growth
Isolates me from God
Alienates me from others
Lengthens my pain

(Thank you Celebrate Recovery for this fitting acrostic.)
As I turned another year older recently I found myself weighing my life upon this self-made scale of success. Losing hair... not measuring up. Not married yet... not measuring up. Haven't found an established position vocationally... not measuring up. Too little in my savings and too much debt... not measuring up. Forty (or more) pounds over my ideal weight... measuring up too much. This is really just the superficial tip of the iceberg. This is the ten percent seen readily while there dwells in the dark and murky depths a vast mass of concerns ready to tear apart the hull of any significant movement that attempts to build enough steam in order to challenge its authority in my life.
But I realize that these are matters that I must place in the hands of Jesus, who has sought me and freed me from all burdens... not just the obvious "sins."

I feel like I am losing focus as to what I am writing at this time so I will take that as an internal cue to draw this post to a closing. My life is being shaken. My faith is being tested. My anxieties are being confronted. My fears are being addressed. My comforts are being startled. My knowledge is being questioned. In response to this I will seek after God. If I were seeking first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, perhaps I wouldn't be where I am ... perhaps I would be. But I am seeking after God. And through this I will grow. I will face truth. I will learn to feel and to love. I will draw near to my Savior. I will develop community. I will deal with my pain and experience healing. I will not live in denial any longer. I will live in the way and in the truth, for this alone is life. Likely I will deal with these matters again, then again, and probably yet again. I will ask more questions. God will challenge me more. He will press me and mold me and break me. I haven't really come up with any "answers" to the cornucopia of questions that have bombarded my mind... I just know that I need to refocus my view and the rest should follow.