in the words of an addict

I was Bridgeway this last week as usual, but on this particular trip I came across a copy of the St. Charles area “Clean and Free Times.” I began to explore the four pages of this newsletter and was moved by what I saw. The following are a couple of excerpts:

Notes from a Seeker

"I don’t understand myself at all. So often it seems as though there are at least two forces pulling at me- fighting for my very soul. My spirit lies caught, somewhere between faith and fear. The war rages on within me. Battles won and battles lost, and so it is with tears of joy and of sorrow flow from the same spirit, a spirit longing to be free from the bondage that has held it prisoner for so long.
As memories of my self-made prison start to fade, I find myself longing to be who I once was, yet haunted by who I had become. With no future in the past and a spirit still half asleep, I press on. I have learned that with faith comes courage and with fear comes doubt- both can live in the same heart. After al, there is always a gap between potential and performance. If God were sitting here next to me, wouldn’t I have courage? If I saw him performing miracles, wouldn’t I have faith? Wait! I have felt him next to me. I have felt Him so strongly hat it gave me what I call Holy Bumps, and haven’t I seen countless miracles since coming to (recovery treatment)? Yet, so often my faith falters. Again, I don’t understand myself at all.
Maybe if I had known human love more fully I would be able to understand and accept God’s love more readily. It seems I have two tendencies- one is to seek this God of mine and the other is to run from Him. I am told that “What I cam here looking for, brought me here.” Yet, in quiet desperation I continue looking for something to live for, and hoping to find something I believe in so strongly it’s worth dying for!
You see, I don’t understand myself at all."

-Anonymous D

I Hate You Heroin

"I hate you Heroin for all the things that you’ve done.
When I first met you, I thought you were the one.

But now that I know you, you are the devil.
I never thought you could bring me down to this level.

You’ve killed one of my best friends, and you almost killed me.
Know without you Heroin, my life feels so free.

And the pain that you’ve caused, you made my bones ache.
You’ve put me through detox, rehab, and you just watched me shake.

You’ve gotten me arrested, but that wasn’t enough.
That’s because your addiction is so f****** tough.

You’ve made me steal from the ones that I love.
And now it’s time for me to rise on up above.

God gave me the power to put you away.
He gave me the power to take it day by day.

So, please Heroin, stay away.
Even on those rainy days.

So, this is what I have to say.
F*** you Heroin, go away."

-Jason O. (an addict who died recently of this disease)


I don’t know exactly what to say. Really, I don’t desire to give commentary on these writings. Let the words of the authors speak for themselves. Please pray for those in recovery and those who have not yet found their way there.