sketches vol.4

Some more of my sketches. The first image I used to make a stencil for a silhouette painting I did on a dear friend's chair a few years ago.

sketches vol.3

These are some of my most recent sketches. I'm just waiting for an opportunity to translate them to larger works. I need to do some more work on them to prep them for finalization, but I think they are well on their way. I just have to figure out what size, style, and media to work in.

sketches vol.2

More sketches. Some of these are very recent.

figure drawing

Every art student must practice this at some point. These are some sketches from a figure drawing class I had back in college. As I view these I am reminded of one of the most awkward classes of my life! Regardless, I think the sketches were fairly well-developed.

sketches

These are simply sketches from my various sketchbooks. They encompass a variety of exercises and stages of development in the "creative process."

prints

This is a pair of prints that I've done. Actually, these are all artist proofs which vary very slightly from the final pieces that I produced. The first image is a portrait of VanGogh as based on one of his self-portraits. It is done in a style that hearkens to Kathe Kollwitz, a famed printmaker from the last century. The second print is a project following a before and after theme. I used the idea of fishermen becoming fishers of men as I developed this.

paintings

This is a collection of some of my paintings. The first and last images are the most indicative of my style and my perspective on life. The others are simply exercises from classes at UW-GB.

penetrating night

This is a series to show the development from initial concept to final product. I worked on this project for a class in my UW-Green Bay days. I was given two words (penetrating and night) with which I had to develop a print. My original intent was focused upon strong faith-based imagery, but I decided that it was not fitting for the theme I thought the words needed to convey. I had a fair measure of difficulty with the production of the final project. My professor at the time (Chris Style) produced the final print seen in the last image. I was concerned with the departure of the cool colors indicative of night time, but feel as if the emotional response remains in tact as the piece is viewed.

self-portrait

Here is a series of sketches that I've done in the realm of self-portrait. There are some images that are straight from my sketchbook that show the variety of ways I've viewed myself. The first image is the most recent. It is a good likeness that I drew at around 2:30 one morning when I couldn't sleep. It needs some refinement, but I am satisfied that I was able to look into the mirror and draw a self-portrait that isn't hidden in caricature like my earlier prep work.

impression

The last couple of weeks have been overflowing with mixed blessing. My mind has been racing incessantly morning, noon, and night. Do you ever find yourself dreaming of what you were thinking about as you went to bed? It's as if the sleep never even occurred. As my mind has run me ragged, so have my emotions. A dear friend of mine wrote to me a not of encouragement because she aptly noticed my journey of self-discovery unfolding through my blog entries. (Thank Kim.)

My mind can be a scary place to go sometimes. It can be like that bad part of the city where you know you shouldn't go after dark... and certainly not alone! Not that I'm some sort of superfreak, but the fact is that I have long pushed pains of the past into the deep recesses of my mind and heart hoping I wouldn't have to deal with them and could just move on with my life. I know that I'm not the only one who does this. But the fact is that as I teach recovery principles to men and women involved in my church I must be engaged in active pursuit of healthy living myself. This all comes back to practicing what one preaches, right?

Addiction, dysfunctional behaviors, unhealthy relationships and perspectives, or compulsions usually all are rooted in unresolved relationships or conflicts one's personal history. The most significant relational malady is when we have an stunted or non-existent relationship with our heavenly Father. I teach this perspective, but I didn't want to face the fact that I too have a deeper illness in my life. The obvious issues I have dealt with are easy for me to confront- they're out there for everyone to see, but to face the fact that I intentionally hurt myself out of a skewed perspective of self-preservation was a tough thing to admit. Let me explain this further...

Some people feel out of control in their life or relationships and thus develop obsessive/compulsive tendencies through which they believe they control the most minute detail of all things. Others sense this altered balance and harm themselves physically through cutting or the like. For me, I took the path of inflicting injury upon myself emotionally.

I'm shaking as I write this...

I have long battled with poor self-image. In honesty, I can't recall my self-esteem ever being very high. To those who know me well, these comments may confuse you as you likely know me to be rather outgoing and without fear in public interaction. Public speaking has never really been a major issue for me... once I get past the initial nervousness I'm off to the races and could speak all day long, if permitted the opportunity. (Let's be honest- anyone can act if they feel they need to for security.) But when the day comes to a close and I find myself alone in my bed anxiety sweeps over me. Fears of insignificance and irrelevance bombard me. I have often convinced myself that I don't have any actual friends- only people who care enough to patronize me. Only God knows how a person develops such a mindset. Only He knows how the mind of a man can cling to a comment made in passing that would alter the path for years to come. I don't know why I give more credence to negative comments about me, but I do. In the dark alley of my mind I am too fat, too bald, too much of a know-it-all, too ill-equipped in providing care for people, too unattractive, too poor of a communicator, too self-centered, too slow, too relationally inept, too mediocre, and... too lost to find any way out. Though many around me will tell me the contrary of these things it often seems easier to believe that they are lying to me rather than having to confront these thoughts. But recently I have had to do just that.

My self-image has long made itself apparent through my humor. If you spend any amount of time around me you will likely hear me make a series of jokes at my own expense. Some people make good money doing this sort of thing, but that's not my gig. I am the my most popular target for roasting. Who better to make fun of than the person you know the best? Life as a clown or a caricature of myself was better than letting people know me and hurt me. The deepest pain is inflicted by those that are closest to you. I have always held the belief that I could get through life with greater ease if I just make fun of my flaws before anyone else can. To me it makes sense. This really makes sense to me as I look to protect myself from the opinions of others. If I can make the joke first, then I won't be hurt when someone else does as well. I am only now coming to realize in my own life how destructive this thinking is.

I will not share the details of the events that brought this matter to the forefront of my life, but I will admit that it involves my relational inadequacies. (Too much to explain... I'll just keep going.) The bare bones story is that God sucker-punched me with a heavy does of his love and truth. I felt the truth initially a lot more than the love. He showed me that I was engaging in the principles of self-fulfilling prophecy. If you say something long enough, you'll believe it to be true and work (even if subconsciously) to make it so. Through my years of making myself the butt of my jokes I thought I was protecting myself from the world. The truth is that I have been torturing myself through significant mental and emotional abuse. Through this my body has undoubtedly taking its share of abuse as well- for we know that the emotions can wreak havoc on even our physical well-being.

My savior confronted me with the simple truth found in the "second greatest commandment." He has instructed us all to "love your brother as yourself. In understanding a healthy love for "self" we must know that this is not speaking of pride or arrogance, nor is Christ speaking of a love of the sinful self that desires idolatrous love of the world. Rather God speaks of a love of self that understands that the Creator's image indelibly marks us; He has left the impression of Jesus Christ on the heart and mind of those who believe. God speaks of a love of self in light of the primary love of Him. If I love God and God's Spirit makes of me a sanctuary and dwelling place, then to despise myself is to despise the Spirit and the very image of the Lord. What a grave revelation!

I would never dream of abusing someone else with the verbal tirades I have hurled upon myself. I don't think I have never looked at another human being with the sort of malice and disgust that I have reserved for the image in my mirror. So, why do I reserve such a spiteful attitude for myself? Because I have the tendency to think I deserve it- that I am not worth any more than that. Do you understand what I'm saying? I know that I'm not the only person who confronts these demons.

With all of this said, I have repented of my sin before my Maker and have started taking action against a potential "relapse." For over a week now I have made no harmful jokes at my own expense and have seen that similar jokes from outsides have also decreased in frequency. I have committed to my mind verses that speak of how God esteems his beloved- we are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made. In this times have also seen myself starting to grow in genuine, internal confidence which has set me even more at ease in dealing with others. I can't even begin to say that this battle is over, but I can say that I at least know what I'm fighting now. God is my strength and He is my shield. It is his delight to protect me through dangers, toils, and snares- even if that means protecting me from me.

Please understand that I did not write this seeking anything from anybody. Christ has compelled me to share in honesty with the hope that someone else may be able to receive the grace of the Father through reading about my trial. My hope is that you will speak with someone you trust if you are wrestling with similar issues. I have started to surround myself with a strong support team to help me through my journey. As I said, sometimes the mind is a place laden with dangers of many kinds, but we must delve into the suppressed darkness in order to receive the healing that comes when we drag shadows into the light. Often our secrets keep us sick. In doing so, we should never go there alone. With Jesus and the support of friends and family I am confronting my blatantly sinful self-perception. My prayer is that others will be able to as well.

Blessings to you!

still here

I guess it's been a little while since my last post. There's not much to talk about right now. I'm sure that something blog-worthy will come around soon. For now I leave you with this:

Prayer for Serenity

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Amen.

(Reinhold Neibuhr)

God be with you.

king of fools

What an odd day this has been. My emotions have taken me on such a roller coaster ride that I can barely stand it. I feel as if I am in the verge of tears as I write this now. God penetrated my heart again today as I looked through photos from my recent history and browsed through even more mental images in the midst of the great unpack.

I won't beat around the bush. I'm a selfish man. God has overwhelmed me with this fact as I realize how many dear friends I have lost touch with because of my vocational pursuit. Somehow I perverted my thought process to permit an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality to creep in. Now, this isn't exactly an accurate statement as I frequently think of these beloved friends, but I have far too long permitted the beast of "tomorrow" to hinder the continued development of these immensely important relationships. I have come to believe that some of the people that I was closest to when I was at the university have now given up on the possibility of maintaining a relationship with me. I'm terrible at returning phone calls. I can write e-mails, but let's be honest- e-mail is not the same as personal, audible dialogue. Let's also be honest about this- I'm not even too good at returning e-mails in a timely fashion.

How could I be so ignorant for so long? It's as if I have developed a ministry myopia. My short-sightedness has blinded me to the greatness of the relationships I could have (or could have had) if I were to be faithful in communication to those I dearly care for. What amazes me is that I failed to see that this relational neglect is the true fruit my spiritual journey with Christ. I became so focused on doing ministry, teaching the Bible, even teaching how to be incarnational and missional in this life- that I lost sight of the fact that I inadvertently cut of the lifelines of my loved ones. And this is the fruit of my faith. Jesus sees how we treat others, not what we do in his name. I know this... I teach it for crying out loud! But the fruit of my belief has been a neglect of God's dearly loved brothers and sisters of the faith. This can not be.

I know that it does little to write a silly blog post about such a topic, but I do so for a few reasons.
First of all, I take this action as a step of repentance. I confess my sin to God and to every person who may come across this rambling. I have failed to love. Love never fails, I have failed love.
Secondly, I implore you to consider your life here and now. I spoke of how I fell victim to the beast of "tomorrow." I have convinced myself that I would call this person tomorrow or write to that person tomorrow or visit yet another person tomorrow. We are not guaranteed even another minute on this earth. What makes us think that we can dare to push anything off until tomorrow. I know of a place that has posted a sign stating, "Tomorrow: Free Beer." The problem with tomorrow is that it never comes, no matter how hard we may will it.
Finally, I write this also in the the hope of turning a new page. There is great sorrow in my heart over the thought that I may not be able to regain the trust I once had with some of these friends. They've heard me say that I will write or call more often too many times before. I don't intend to make any promises. I don't seek to swear by anything. My hope is that God will grant me the integrity to make my "yes," "yes." Sorry doesn't cut it. Apologies are pointless. Action is where love meets life. So be it.

this too shall pass

I'm just in a weird mood today.

Now that I am a resident of Missouri I have been working to settle into my new home by unpacking my various belongings and putting "my mark" on the walls, in the drawers, and so on...

As I've been sorting through everything I've been reminded of so many things in my past. It seems as if I never remember the past as it actually was, but my mind prefers to paint things with broad strokes of black or white. Either I look fondly upon a period or I let a bitter taste linger in my memory.

My weird mood could probably be chalked up to the swings of emotions I'm experiencing through this transition of life. God has answered a prayer by permitting me to join the staff of a church, but he has also carried me away from everyone, everywhere, and everything I'd known. Don't hear what I'm not saying; I'm not complaining about the situation. I just need to get adjusted to it. And as that adjustment takes place, I know I'll experience some rough spells when I look fondly back upon my life thus far and wish that my current daily living somehow resembled my past.

It's odd isn't it? We seek to keep moving, keep pressing on, keep moving forward, but we spend so much time looking back and longing for what we had. Maybe you don't experience this, but I surely do. Honestly, I look back to my years at UW-Green Bay as my fondest to date. I was more active, I was soaking up the educational system, my extra-curricular involvement kept me busy all hours of the day and night, I had more close relationships, I had less weight and more hair, and so on... I could recite a list as long as my arm of things that I wish I still did or had, but as I sit and contemplate this, I come to remember also the pains that I so longed to overcome at those times. I realize that there are times when the rose-colored glasses are so bravely tinted that I forget about how intense the heartaches and how severe the trials were on occasion. But the heart is slow to learn isn't it?

I guess I don't have much more to say.

I'm just in a weird mood today.

occupied

I was struck (again) by a song today. It stopped me in my tracks and brought tears to my eyes. The Presence of God washed over me in peace as I heard a reminder that He indeed is near and truly involved in my life. As I prepared to write this, I pulled together a brief playlist to worship to. Here are the songs included:

Who Am I --- Casting Crowns
Sometimes Love --- Chris Rice
How Deep The Father's Love --- Stuart Townend
He Knows My Name --- Tommy Walker

These songs aren't anything new. They've been around for a while now. But the truth of the Word is found in them indelibly. I wish I could express this in some more eloquent way, but I am simply stirred by the reality of God's intricate touch in me- His creation.

Recently I have been sensing myself drifting. Not slipping away from God, but rather coasting into a mindset that treats ministry as a job instead of a blessed privilege.

What a dreadful thought!
Ministry is not a job. Pastors are not professionals. People are not projects. Tithes are not just paychecks.

Nevertheless I found the Spirit speaking into my life the words of conviction as I began the emotional drift into stagnancy. As I wrestled with this attitude I felt sorrow creep up on me like a dense mid-winter fog. It pressed down on me. It desired to overtake me. It desired to ruin me. The frightening thing is that the fog seemed at times to hint of an origin from within.

Today I sat in my office reading- attempting to set my focus with little improvement. I felt isolated.

Then I heard these words:

I have a maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in his hand

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

I have a Father
He calls me his own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call

God used these words to snap things into focus. It was as if a beacon of sunlight broke through the clouds penetrating my whole being and dissipating that looming mist.

I have a Maker. He hears me. He sees me. He knows my name.
Admittedly, I'm getting a bit worked up as I write this now.

God, the Creator of all that was and is and is to come, is deeply and passionately interested in me. Do you ever think about this?

Who are we that we would occupy the mind of God Himself? We have assuredly done nothing to warrant his loving attention, yet He freely lavishes it upon us. We need only to receive it.
His love for us is surely deeper than the great void of all space. Even knowing us, He gave His Son. Even knowing that we have and will betray Him, He gave Himself to die so that we won't have to.

He knows the doubts and the worries and the fears. He knows. He knows. He knows.
And He loves with wild abandon.