miles

Just hours ago I was waiting, watching people mill around. A friend’s flight was coming in- only moments before the plane touched down. Suddenly passenger streamed toward loved one’s embraces. Amidst this scene my heart was screaming- as I saw the joy on all their faces. They said, “My darling, my loved one. I’ve missed you while you’ve been gone. How are you doing? It’s good to see you. You know it’s been too long. Don’t ever leave me again- it always tears my heart up… whenever we’re miles apart.” My time is coming. I’ll be packing up and leaving. It’s time to start my own life. Where am I going? It’s only God’s for the knowing. I wait and wait for His time as my future He’s weaving. He knows my plans, my career, my children and precious wife. When He brings these to me, maybe then I’ll hear them say, “My darling, my loved one. I’ve missed you while you’ve been gone. How are you doing? It’s good to see you. You know it’s been too long. Don’t ever leave me again- it always tears my heart up… whenever we’re miles apart.”

entries on wickedness

Mirror, mirror on the wall. Among this brood of vipers, you’re vile above them all.
I see the Pharisees of today calling out, “Holy,” condemning other all. Have they forgotten? Not one’s exempt from the Fall. I want to call them out- Let none escape their crime. The moment I reach for the speck in the offender’s eye, I’m reminded of the plank in mine. Mirror, mirror- Here I am. My own sin, I can hardly stand. I look to you to find you staring back at me. Why so seldom do I feel good ‘bout what I see? Despair in the eyes- the horror of sin lingering around, I turn my gaze away and fall upon the ground… crying, “Jesus, help me!” I’ve fallen once more, again. Won’t you reach for me, though I’m the lowest of all men?


My sin seems so great
I know I can’t bear it
If I wore burlap
You know I would tear it

Put ashes on my head
Bury my face in the dirt
My heart constantly aches
Not only me do I hurt


How can your grace stretch so far as to reach inside of me? There’s still so much darkness. Have I come along at all? The darkness seeps deep down. In your Great Light the evil flees. You’ve freed me. To you alone I’m pleading. Deliver me again!


Why O God was I born unto these wicked days? Why does no one pursue your Holy ways? Cursed be all who proclaim blessings and peace when this world is nothing but death, destruction, and torment. These days are wicked beyond all measure. No man seeks your face. The pursuit of blessing comes in offerings made to false gods. None call to you. None know your decrees. Your word is absent from the hearts of the religious. Bitter as bile, it spews from their lips. They do not meditate on your word. You are a stumbling block to all who hear, but do not listen. I am no better. My couch is comfortable and my belly is full. I seek you in times of need, but neglect the secret place as I sense prosperity. You wait in the temple to join me. I stray away to chase worthless idols. Hear my cry, O Lord- that I may return to your favor by repenting of my sins. To you I give glory, honor, and praise. To you alone I lift my hands in worship. No longer shall I stand for the praises of men- who speak your words then prostitute themselves to hollow desires. Cursed are these days. These days reach beyond number. Come quickly Lord.

identity war

Staring at the ceiling,
The darkness all around me.
Night after night wide open
But nothing do me eyes see

Every bump and crack
These walls I know so well
I’m confined in here
But the walls are not my cell
Only my heart is

A prisoner of the war
Between mind and all emotion
Tears well within my soul
A pit deep as the oceans
Why don’t they come?
Streaking dampness down my cheeks?
My heart is numb
My will- so weak.

Her smile- always before me
So too the light in her eyes
Her voice is that sweet melody
With laughter as harmony
Her presence haunts me day and night

Can you see me standing here in front of you?
Your eyes are cutting through me.
Do you see the love I have for you?
Or am I just another admiring man?

Day after day I live and speak and keep on going.
Am I a brother, a friend, anything more?
My life goes by as I wonder, never knowing.
Or am I just another desiring man?

Here I am! Just look at me.
Truly take a look at me.
See the heart of this man.
No pretense, no reservation
I’ve got nothing left to hide
My heart’s door flung open wide.
There’s nothing left to hide.

journal entry two

Why is it that I’m still here? Am I so badly beaten? My heart’s been tried and tested and so often failing. Who am I? Where do I go? How do I get there? Could my life be more uncertain? I scarcely believe it be so. Who am I? Where am I now? God only knows! I am lost within my own life, a stranger in my own skin. I’m new ‘round here- things just aren’t so clear. I can’t see! With your light you’ve shown the path that frees me. The way of my salvation. You’ve shown me how to live and how you love me. But why do I feel so lost now? My direction is so uncertain… Won’t you please just speak to me? Lift this veil. Tear this curtain. Please come near and touch me. I want to see your face- at least your back like the men of much faith. Just lead me from this place. Shed your light on my direction. Flying scrolls, writing on the wall- God, give me something. By your Word I make decisions concerning situations. But how do I know what to be? Where do I find my purpose? Where will I find my heart’s love? I’ve got so many questions… Does this mean I’m doubting? How can it be? I know, I see… I want to bring you glory- for you set me free. Who do I run these circles?

Am I running the right race? I feel like I’m on pace, but still I’m getting nowhere. Would these people trust me if they really knew me? I’m a simple fool, a vile and rotten person. Yet, in me you see something more. Something to die for. Your love is ever reaching- piercing heart and darkness. You died that day to ensure that I may live within your presence. You made me out of nothing and nothing I would remain. But with the sacrifice, the love of Jesus Christ, you gave me your Name. You’ve given me this new freedom, the promise of the New Day. O lord my God, This one thing I ask of you- Please show me your way. Today… show me your way

'always' love

Sometimes love is sweet
Sometimes love is bitter
It makes you want to leap
And makes you scream
Sometimes love will make you cry.
It will rip your heart out,
Make you feel like you’ve died
Sometimes love is all I’ve known.
It’s just not good enough to get me through.
This is how I’ve learned it-
Show me I’m wrong.
Show me there’s another love
No strings attached. Strong.
You’ve loved me faithfully with always love
That’s surely true.
Why do I only give my sometimes love back to you?
I want to be different-
You’re changing my heart-
Removing the poison of the dark.
Someday soon I’ll return to you always love.
Always love is patient.
Always love is kind.
Always love is humble-keeping others in mind
Always love is gentle, peaceful, and true.
Always love rejoices and
perseveres because it is You.

Your love is always. Always perfect, never failing, surely prevailing. But he love I’ve known hurts. It makes me unsure, doubtful, insecure. This isn’t your love, but the love of this world. It’s bitter and selfish. It scorches my soul. I feel lost… fearful… out of control. My heart so longs to wander off where it will, but it knows not where to go. My mind seems off and floating, confused by where I’ve come to. I am a simple man who is wandering through the city without a map. There is no one to help. There are others here, but they have no directions. They want to help, but they send me in circles. How do I get there? How do I get to where you are? Where is the one? Where is the place for me? Only you know how to get me there. You yourself are the key. This I know, but the heart indeed is slow to learn. Help me to believe- mind, heart, and soul- that you, O Lord, are my full control. It’s your love I seek. You take me there.

journal entry 1

It’s late at night or should I say early morning. Just lying here awake and confused. Where am I going? What am I doing? Would they still accept me if they knew my true self? What is love? Does anyone here love anymore? O God above, it is only you who loves me. Please teach me to love you the same. My sin’s a heavy burden you want me to no longer carry. Yet the shackles seem a comfort when my life gets so confusing. What will it take for me to be real? What to be true? How long will it take for me to be like you?

my journal

The years between my college graduation and my "arrival" as the pastor of Crosswinds have been some of the most trying years of my life. I spent a good deal of time wrestling over my purpose and God's plan for my life. One of the largest issues I struggled with (and continue to struggle with to this day) is the matter of finding that special woman I would call my wife and share my life with. I have decided to go through my journal and share the entries. I will also continue to write about what is happening to me currently.
You will find that my journal entries re fairly fragmented and often short. I have done most of my writing late at night... after all, that's when a guy feel most lonely, right?

and another month passes

Time flies so quickly. I can't believe that it has been nearly a month since I last posted. As a part of my continued spiritual development I am making a point of posting regularly from now on. Journaling isn't exactly my 'thing,' but somehow blogging seems a bit different. So... here we go again...